Babylon (2022)
Yippee yay yay!
This is the first post of 2023 and seems like I’ve completely neglected jotting my thoughts down in 2022. It’s actually not that I don’t want to, in fact, I was consciously trying not to.
Why? Because as I was reflecting back to my 2021 posts, it felt like I only turn to the diary when I was down and I’m making my inner thoughts worse by reiterating my overthinking thoughts. That’s right, a key discovery in 2022 was that though people can behave in ways that bothers me, it is entirely up to me as to how I want to react to it - both externally and internally.
Externally means whether I want to entertain them in person.
What’s the worst that can happen?
The worst is I walk away and they are no longer a part of my life. I lose some but I gain peace of mind.
Internally means after I’ve chosen my plan of action towards that person, do I keep reliving the “worst” in my brain and makes this worse than it really is. Self torture?
No. I put that to a stop in 2022. In 2023, I want to be more mindful of my actions and thoughts. I want to take responsibilities of my mood. Things happen. As Jane Birkin so well put, she prefers a roller coaster ride of life instead of a tuutuuu train. What’s fun if everything is constant and nothing changes?
That’s why Jack killed himself in Babylon. He was caught in the hamster wheel and he doesn’t know the purpose of this life. He knows the purpose of his afterlife. But while living, not really. He has served his purpose and everything becomes dull.
So while we humans love a roller coaster instead of plain Jane, we have to learn how to take care of ourselves so we don’t burn out. One thing I noticed is that burn out doesn’t just happen at work. Yeah it happens in relationships, in overindulging, in work, in the thoughts. The worst for me is the thoughts.
I have put myself through so much pain just because I couldn’t give myself a break. I always have to think about how I am presented to others. How others think of me. How I can control that narrative. But you know what’s the truth? The truth is no one is thinking about me as much as I am thinking about myself. And so what if I try so hard to present myself a certain way, the way I think others think of me is just in my mind. In fact, they all definitely will have other opinions of me, if any, that I will never be able to find out unless I flat out asked them. Even so, they might not tell me the truth. I mean Tina, when have you ever told anyone the truth of how you felt about that someone. We all hold a little secret and there’s nothing wrong with that.
As I learn to navigate into this new territory of confidence, I have to be kind to myself that I am not there yet. Do not rush the process. Open my eyes and experience it. See how I can transform. My priorities in life have changed and that’s fine. Five heck ten years from now when I read this, I’m sure forties Tina will think wow, this was what was bothering her then? How far we’ve walked the journey from then.
I will have new worries. New joy. New pain. New surprises. New challenges. New pride. New everything at any stage in life. The key again is not to worry too much about now. Or even past. Especially the past. Let the past stay in the past and stop letting it cross the border into the present and definitely not the future.
2023 is going to be a fun and interesting year as you become more aware of your life and purpose. Finding out the why in your life is going to require a lot of self love and patience. But just know that you are not alone. You have many people who have shown you that they love you no matter what. Whether you are 2020 Tina or 2023 Tina. They are here to stay. And you know, even if there comes a time these good people decided you are no longer fit in their lives, just know that, you, Tina, are always here with you. Tina will never go away, well, she can’t, literally. So it’s important that if you have to choose to do one thing, that is to learn to live in harmony with Tina. And for a long life, learn to cherish her.